Honesty is Never the Best Policy

Honesty is NEVER the best policy. ever. now, i’m not saying to lie constantly, but i’ll tell you what, most people absolutely cannot handle the truth all of the time. this also goes for OVERSHARING– i.e., posting constantly on Facebook and tweeting every damn detail of every second of every day.

even those people that claim that they can “handle it, no matter what” really can’t and are usually the ones that get the most bent out of shape when you tell them the honest-to-goodness STUFF.

i consider myself an honest person and prefer honesty in return, but in reality, some things i don’t need to know, and don’t actually want to know. i’m of the school of thought for WHAT I DONT KNOW-DOESNT HURT ME.
people SAY they want the truth, but if the truth were actually withheld, they wouldn’t know the diff.
now, i’m not saying fake a pregnancy, or withhold who the father is, but no one NEEDS to know your actual age or your real hair color. don’t run around a hospital saying that you are a doctor, but in a barful of skeevs and pervs- who cares? no one ever died from taking an extra space in a board game- whereas conversely, there is no proof that the people that never sneaked extra monopoly money went to heaven any faster. it comes down to picking and choosing your battles.

no harm, no foul.

Who Can It Be Now?

If i had the choice to be ANYONE in the world- living or dead?   *thinks*  I’m surprising even myself by saying that i’d choose being me- no matter what. and although my life has been one fucked up hotmess after the next, i still wouldn’t ever change being good ol’ *Miss Tee*, if for no other reason than i’m a tenacious motherfucker and i really would like to see how my epic tale ends.

however, having chosen myself, if i had ‘it’ to do all over, i would like to make the following changes-

  1. lose all of this weight.  or at least, have the knowledge and forethought as a younger version of me to NEVER have gained this mass of mess to begin with.
  2. not listen to my parents as much as i did.  being a kid/teen/young adult, i foolishly believed that my parents always were always most concerned with my well being.  i figured that since they were adults, and were responsible for me, that they knew best, and would never do anything that wasn’t for my ‘own good’.  but now, having been a parent for nineteen years and with some actual life experience, i see just how fucked up my parents were.  hindsight is truly 20/20, and my therapy sessions would double if i dwelled on all of the mistakes my parents dragged me through, not to mention most of it wasn’t even ‘best intentions’-type of stuff.  adults make mistakes. and parents are adults. parental word is NOT god.  i know this NOW.
  3. make better choices.  including but not limited to- not falling in love so quickly, learning to be on my own and more independent in general, and learning more LIFE SKILL-sy things like car maintenance and home repair.
  4. not get pressured into school right out of high school.  the biggest regret of my entire life was being forced into secondary education before i was ever ready.  i never had the choice to just float and make mistakes before i was thrust into the BIGPEOPLE WORLD, and over two decades later, i still feel like i am paying for that.  i wish i had the chance to experience life a lot more before being thrust into adulthood at age seventeen.  i learned how to live paycheck to paycheck, and how to live off of credit cards, only to have to get money from my credit cards to pay my credit card bills.  i learned how to live on one meal a day, mostly on ‘discarded’ sandwiches from the cafe where i worked.  i learned how to work two jobs until i was so exhausted that i skipped class- A LOT.  i had absolutely no social life which caused so much unhappiness and resulted in more bad choices and i cared very little about moving forward in life.  worst of all, this probably resulted in my agoraphobia, panic anxiety disorder and yes, a lot of my weight problems.  to top it off, i graduated very mediocrely, which obviously didn’t help me land any topnotch art jobs, except, at an art supply store, ironically called Top Notch.

i don’t like to live in the past and try not to dwell on all of the shit, but it’s hard to not get bogged down in blame or a big ol fat shame spiral when things are less than shiny- even more than twenty years later.

however, having said all of this,  i was lost in the moment as we were driving around Ocean City looking at Christmas lights the other night, and realized that i finally am living in THE PRESENT.  i no longer want to sit and try to make up for mistakes in the past, and i’m certainly not going to wait around until my life is ‘perfect’ before i start living.  it took forty years for me to get here, and with any luck, i’ll be around on earth at least forty more (*knocks on wood*), and i don’t want to waste any more time on the ‘what if’s’ or thinking i can’t do things UNTIL (*insert thing i’ll probably never get around to*).  at the bottom of it all, i’m not unhappy with who i am, i know that i still have an amazing lifetime ahead of me, and don’t want to miss a thing.

Letters for Tomorrow- TODAY!

Dear One-Year-in-the-Future Me,

First off, i would like to extend my deepest sympathy for how shitty 2013 was. it’s amazing that we managed to make it out alive. alive and not homeless. i honestly can’t even think of much good that happened in 2013 except that Lucas came out as trans and it was an amazing time of life discovery for him and a wonderful boost of honesty to us as a couple.

otherwise- we turned 40. we got hit on by a lot of big black guys. we got spun through the constant revolving door of friends and used as the all-you-can-eat-friend buffet/stepping stone for others and we never lost more than 25 pounds at one time. we went to the gym inconsistently. this year dad died, setting off lots of nonsensically annoying events. softball, though fun, was filled with its usual drama. this was the year that we really started to focus but we never did manage to finish that book we started a million years ago. this is the year we started an amazing blog full of erotica, slutty short stories and sex positive narratives, but then crapped out after our job crapped out. that car of ours? first a dead deer carcass was thrown at it and then the ridiculous amount of flat tires and various other annoying and expensive problems. total balls. our relationship with lucas waxed and waned, became strained, but we worked through it and later, was amazing. we celebrated nine years together- that’s pretty amazing. michaelbosco graduated and turned 19. he also realized that he suffered from depression- just adding to the down parts of the UPS and DOWNS of life. thanksgiving was crap and by year’s end, lucas’ dad passed away, so we spent christmas in ocean city. it was tough, but we ended the year as happily as we could, with our new friends and some fun at our new favorite bar. thankfully our little family is flexible, resilient and amusing- and we celebrated christmas on january 5- with some silliness and a lot of plants.

the one thing i noticed though, is that we tend to put things off until other things get done. for instance, we say we’ll start going back to open mic nite at Coffee Buddha AFTER the car gets fixed or we’ll start writing again AFTER we get the house organized- and obviously more often than not- that never comes about. so- in an effort to waste less of 2014- why don’t we get over that bullshit, and get stuff done a little more expeditiously.

but here we are, January 6, writing, comfy in our pjs, surrounded by all “new” furniture and watching christmas movies in our cozy little house, with lots of hope for 2014. i can only hope to look back on 2014 and feel accomplished. i’d like you to have finished at least ONE BOOK, and consistently build up a nice and bulky blog full of humorous and insightful stuff that other people will appreciate and enjoy. hopefully you’ll be in better shape financially, and finally get those credit cards and car paid off (which shouldn’t be too hard- as the plan is by summer). and speaking of shaping up—now, i’m not stupid enough to hope for 100 pounds, but i’d really like to try to lose 50- and if nothing else, fit into all of those size 20 jeans we have. i hope to read that you went camping a lot, traveled and gotten to all of the places you missed out on this year— i just really hope you live 2014 with as much life as possible! no more putting stuff off! life is too short and the sand keeps running in that timer whether the house is clean or not; whether it’s the right time or not. so just get to it and dance like nobody else is watching and write like no one is reading it! ACCOMPLISH LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW!

lastly, i hope you have another year of good health and lots and lots of happiness! twenty years for mab, ten years with lucas— this is going to be a huge year- hopefully you can really get things accomplished as well!

keep on keepin on! just pick it up a bit! GOOD LUCK and much love and happiness! WRITE ON!!!!

yours,

*Tee Dizzle of 2015*

oh and P.S.! in 2013- we got an iPhone! welcome to this century! maybe soon we’ll get power locks and windows again!

My Listy OCD

I do something I called PLANNED SPONTANEITY which is giving myself an agenda of listed tasks and sort of just allow myself to go about it in any way that I can to get the stuff done.

I’m a planner by nature. I make lists of lists. I am an uber multi tasker. I judge myself based on what I have accomplished during a day. I judge others on their inability to multitask. And yes, I have been known on occasion to add something to the bottom of a list only to immediately cross it out. It’s a completed task, isn’t it? It counts! It does!

My OCD is boundless, hence the task of going back to complete all of the DAILY PROMPTS from when I started these blogs. Sure, I could easily walk away and just start with the one that starts tomorrow- but what about all of those OTHER prompts? Those ones that were sent and I didn’t even attempt? WHAT ABOUT THOSE????? For the love of god there are so many!!!! But I must do them all! Even if it means not going to the gym, or the GROSSery store, or to the bar with my friends!!! And what if I do? What’s the point? The whole time on the treadmill all I’ll be able to think about is the ten or so DAILY PROMPTS sitting there in my inbox, taking up virtual space! Standing there at the bar, doing shots I will be thinking of how I haven’t vacuumed the living room for the sixth time this week…. WONT SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN????? You may think I am exaggerating, but alas, I am not. Not even a little. There I am, in the produce aisle, deciding between romaine or iceberg and trying to not acknowledge the niggle in my brain reminding me to make sure I update my ITUNES playlist and make sure I don’t have any duplicates in my music library. I am not kidding you.

You would think that this would make me super super productive. But it doesn’t. The reality is that I spend so much energy fretting about getting things done, that I waste time accomplishing very little. I say as I type up my fifth blog of the day while staring at my chipped nailpolish that I am obsessing over painting, while my wet laundry waits yet another couple of hours before going into the dryer and I completely ignore/avoid my taxes. But you know what? Tomorrow is another day. Thank god for procrastination. Thank effing god.

(cross posted from my other blog- http://tealshades.wordpress.com )